I got to talk to my children twice by phone when the ex first took them away.  After that, the phone was never answered.

When I got the call from CPS with the accusations, I sat down on my front porch and froze.  I reached out for help. Then I drank a beer… and many more. I eventually drank so many, I ended up in a rehab. I tried to bury my pain. I tried to pretend I was able to survive like that. I was lying to myself.  Eventually, I had to leave my home to the collectors… leave my job and move in with my parents. I eventually got work again, but I was ineffectual.  When the final divorce was declared, it was certain that I would not be able to talk to my children again.  I was destroyed.  I went through 3 rounds in the psych ward.  I eventually ended up in a tent in the middle of winter in an Iowa state park. I eventually made my way back to Texas and entered an extended rehab.

That was the beginning of a year long process of homelessness. When I tried to reach out to the children, I was told they were scared of me.  It still crushes my heart today. I can only hope puberty will push them to question why their mom is nuts.

Just this spring, I went through another bout of psych ward visitations. I’m only half the man I know I can be. I hurt so deep inside. This is all due to a vengeful woman that didn’t get her way. She used my own children as a weapon.

Parental Alienation is a real problem. My children were used as pawns to strike me down. And it worked. So now I will speak out in defense of those who might share my pain.  It’s been 9 years. I work. I’m remarried to a saint of a woman who is willing to put up with my tantrums. But I still hurt.  Even if I can’t even talk to my children, I write to them every day. I hope they will Google their own names and find my website (http://markusrandel.com). It shows up in the first page of searches for both their names and mine.

Please read my letters. The more traffic, the better the search results.  That’s how I’m dealing with it.

And as far as my ex is concerned, she should be ashamed at calling herself a mother. I have nothing but contempt and anger. But I won’t let that beat me down. I just hope my children give her hell.