I’ve always found it difficult to sleep. Since the “event”, it seems even harder. It seems the only way to go to sleep is to intoxicate and medicate. According to my doctor, I’m putting enough in my system to take down a horse. I shared half of one of my sleeping pills with my wife once and she was out for the whole night. I take two whole ones every night with a few others, and I still wake up at 4:30.

Why do I do this? I know I need sleep to keep my sanity. I find it amazing how fragile that is. Ever since my children are gone, I cry. The hardest is when I’m at work and it wells up from no where. At those times, my co-workers just know to let me alone. It eventually passes.

I’m blessed with a wife that is always scouring the internet searching for my kids. She’s never met them, but still tries. She’s their step-mother and she considers them the same way I do with her daughters.

My son has grown into such a handsome young man. He’s a ginger with blushed cheeks and taller than everyone else. I stare at his photo all the time.

And I still have problems sleeping. I miss my children. This is the damage alienation has.