Not allowed access to my children is probably one of the hardest things I’ve experienced in my life.  This is coming from a long life of alienation. My ex demanded I alienate my own parents just so she had more control over me.  I guess this is karma coming back at me.  As soon as I crossed the bridge and let my parents back in my life, she efficiently removed my children from mine.

I regret their loss, but I also need to be aware that I would have missed my own parent’s final years. If the bridges weren’t mended, I would have missed out on their final years. I had the blessing to be at both of their bedsides as they passed away.  I received their blessings.  So where does regret begin? Losing my own children just so I can be with my parents?  I’ll never know the answer.

I’m just blessed to have a wife that supports me and loves my children (having never met them).  She trolls the internet looking for any information she can find when I just can’t anymore.  The loss of them in my life is so total… I have to force myself to participate in daily life.

I try to be strong in the hopes that one day, they will reach out to me.  I want to be a father they can look up to and be excited to see again. But, I wrestle.  I’m grateful for Michele finding the occasional snippets of information. In the end, I’m very mixed with struggling and hope.  Some days one beats out the other.  It’s hard to expect which day will be which. Oh well.