I’m going to deviate again from focusing on the steps. A common problem that comes up around this point is dealing with self-esteem. It’s inevitable that all this stripping of “self” and admissions of powerlessness can make one feel pretty bad about themselves. Even after going through the entire 12-step process, I still battle with this on a daily basis.

Today seems more prevalent than others, so that’s why I decided to write about it. And in this way, I dig myself out very quickly. (This is one of the best ways to get out from under the thumb of depression or low self-esteem… reach out and help someone… do something that can help someone else without expectation of reciprocation. )

To start with, I try to use the tools of emotional diagnostics I’ve covered previously to examine why I’m feeling so bad about myself. To do this properly, I like to look at REAL meanings. It’s a good idea for anyone in recovery (of any kind) to own or have access to a dictionary. When I first heard this, I balked. “My vocabulary is far above most. I don’t have any problems.” Yeah… that’s what I thought. The first test of that “superior” vocabulary is to define the difference between “guilt” and “shame”. They aren’t the same or handled the same. Let’s refer to what the built in dictionary from Word has to say about these two words.

Guilt: an awareness of having done wrong or committed a crime, accompanied by feelings of shame and regret.

Shame: a negative emotion that combines feelings of dishonor, unworthiness and embarrassment.

So, guilt is an awareness and shame is an emotion. Which of these two have I discussed in the past I have no power over? Right… emotions. Shame is a naturally occurring emotion that will happen as a result of exterior provocation. Typically, if I’ve done something I feel guilty about (something wrong) then I begin to feel ashamed.

Guilt is a great tool given to us by our Creator and goes by another name… our conscience. If I’ve done something wrong, there is an innate part of me that recognizes it and registers back by an awareness of guilt. Now THAT I have some power over. Remember… I can control my REACTIONS.

First of all… try not to do wrong things. But, sadly enough, that Creator Guy also gave us another gift called free-will. Invariably, my free-will will come in direct contrast to someone else’s, ergo I will wrong somebody eventually. But there is a VERY simple way to deal with this… make amends.

Now notice, I did not say apologize. Certainly, a well worded apology can frequently solve differences, but more often than not there is a recompense that is due. Say in the case of getting a ticket while running a stop sign. I can apologize all day to the police officer, but that isn’t making amends for violating the law. The proper thing is to accept the ticket, pay the fine, and do my best to improve my driving habits to better obey the laws that bind me. Once I’ve done that, I’ve made amends and have no reason for any emotions of shame.

Using the above example as a prototype, many difficulties can be handled in a similar fashion. In some cases, a proper amends can’t be made without causing more difficulties. In the case of my brothers, they do not accept my current relationship and refuse to talk to me as a result. In their opinion, for me to make amends, I would have to break up with my girlfriend and ask them for forgiveness. That would not be a good thing for me. So, in this case, I hold no grudge against them for their opinion, but I recognize that it isn’t mine. I do not hold it against them and continue to reach out my hand to them regardless. I’ve done the right thing in my opinion and feel no guilt and hence no reason to be ashamed.

My children are a big source of emotional distress. Without going into too many details about it, I’ll just say that I’m paying my child support and obey all the demands the court has laid out in front of me. By doing this, it’s the best (and only thing) I can do to make amends. As a result, I can walk with my head held high and not ashamed.

This all boils down to if we are living our lives right, we shouldn’t ever have the need to feel shame. Shame is only an indicator that there is a wrong that hasn’t been corrected. It’s frequently said in engineering that the only failed experiment is the one you didn’t learn from. Worst case, I now know how NOT to do something. This is a real important key to living… I have learned from my past, but I feel no shame from it.

By putting this into these words, the day gets better and I can focus on the things in front of me instead of living in the past.