I’ve often heard in recovery circles that anger is an emotion I can’t afford.  I find it an interesting concept.  I consider myself to have a very mild temper.  It takes quite a bit for me to actually get upset with someone.  But, there are times when just the right buttons get pushed hard enough that I find myself fit to be tied.  (I’m finding living with a 15-year-old step-daughter, these times are more frequent.)  So I thought I’d take a side step from the direction I was headed in this blog to deal with this topic.

I define anger as an emotion…  a very strong emotion.  As I’ve already stated in previous blogs, an emotion can (and will) occur regardless of my best thoughts and actions.  It is a reaction to an environmental stimulus that my psyche has been imprinted with from lifelong conditioning.  For me, anger is most likely prompted when something I’m expecting to receive is either denied or altered.  Or I’m given something I don’t desire at all.  A good example is when you spend the weekend cleaning the house and doing laundry only to find it trashed out when you get home on Monday from work.  It’s expected that the rest of the family would recognize the effort and show appreciation.  Then go on to follow the fine example of cleanliness.  That would be the expected return.  Instead, a mess is returned… not quite what the doctor ordered.

So why is anger so dangerous? Well, unresolved anger usually can only go one direction… a resentment.  I consider a resentment as a way to get even.  (Ohhh… I’ll show you!!) If I didn’t get what I expected, then I’ll feel justified by forcing my hand and taking what I want.  After all, I deserved it.  Right?  Once this has occurred, I’ve left the realm of emotions and moved into conscious thought.  And in all reality, that justification never meets my expectations and only leads to more anger… hence a deeper resentment.  I could dig that hole all day long given enough fodder.

To use a rather crude analogy, a resentment is akin to a pimple.  It eventually comes to a head and ruptures with enough pressure.  Or even worse, it stays under the skin and festers.  I find when I hold a resentment against someone, I’ll treat them coldly and at a distance which only feeds the turmoil further.  And in a worst case scenario, I have it within me to use a resentment as justification to open a bottle or do something as equally stupid.

So what is the solution?  For me, the first step is to ride out the anger.  The wrong time for me to try to fix a problem is if I’m angry.  It is paramount that I recognize the emotion and not react in a stupid manner.  Remember, that is something I can control.  Once I’m distanced a bit from the situation and the emotion has subsided, the first step I take is to examine my motives.  What were my expectations?  Did I communicate these expectations with those around me?  (That’s a biggy)  If I don’t tell someone what I’m expecting, then I’m just as much at fault.  It’s silly to expect others to read my mind. Nine out of ten times, this is the issue.

But a resentment can be formed against things other than people.  Places, institutions and items can be the victim of my resentments, too.  I used to hold a huge resentment against Caldwell, a small town where I was moved to to finish high school.  It’s also quite easy for me to build a resentment against my computer.  In these situations, I can’t just sit down and have a conversation with my computer or a town.  I’m forced to examine what my expectations were that weren’t fulfilled.  And in most cases (if I’m brutally honest with myself) I find my expectations were unrealistic.  And furthermore, how exactly do you take your revenge out on a town?  Remember the Serenity Prayer? Yep… time for that to get applied.

I have to remember that anger is possibly one of the strongest emotions I can feel.  While in the grip of it, it’s nearly impossible to make a rational decision.  So if the only choice I have is to walk away from a situation until I can think more clearly, then that is the only choice I have if I want to maintain my sanity, sobriety and peace.