Learning to live life again after a personal downfall is one of life’s biggest challenges.  Typically, most people don’t come into this kind of challenge until their late 30’s or 40’s.  Through my own personal failures, I’ve learned how to cope with the variety of challenges life presents. Most of it draws on the 12 steps of AA, but I try to apply it to “everyday” life and not just problems with alcohol.

I’ve often believed “normal” people miss out on so much by not learning this simple way of life. Most people frequently believe that the 12 Steps are only for people who have addictive disorders. This isn’t necessarily true. The steps can help to a more balanced and enriched life regardless of one’s current personal issues.

The steps are frequently mistaken as a replacement for religion. This couldn’t be further from the truth. My relationship with God has never been stronger. The steps are simply a way of life that helps me understand and accept it for what it is. Life on life’s terms. There are TONS of little sayings like that that I usually don’t prescribe to, but it’s hard not to refer to them sometimes. They are so ingrained into my thought patterns.

At this point, I strongly recommend locating an Alanon group near you. This group is designed for the benefit of spouses of alcoholics, but they have an adaptation of the steps that works in general… not alcohol specifically. You can likely filter the content of the messages you hear to apply it to you and your needs.

Now, I would also like to mention just a word or two about the first step. It seems innocuous and simple, but it’s the most important of them all. Here is how it reads from the AA Big Book:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol –
that our lives had become unmanageable.

Remove the words “over alcohol” and you’ve got it. Powerlessness is a very difficult concept. But, before we can go any further, this is crucial. Control is perhaps the biggest problem and that goes hand in hand with powerlessness. It’s important to take an inventory of what you actually have power over and what you can control. Here’s a hint… you can’t control anything. Actually, I’ve learned in life I have control over just one thing… my reactions. Allow me to explain.

I can’t control my girlfriend. I can tell her what to do, but it’s up to her to choose to do it or not. I can’t control how she talks to me or what she says. I CAN control on how I react to her. If I react in a constructive manner, the relationship is constructive (at least from my end). I can only hope that providing that example, she will reciprocate, but I don’t depend on it. I can’t just say, “I’m being good, now you have to.” My reaction is NOT based on expectations of a reciprocal reaction. But, it sure makes things better, and typically it works.

I can’t control my job. I can’t control who comes to me with whatever problems. I CAN control my reaction to these problems. I can either blow up and tell them to go away so I can do my work. Or, I can think ahead and see what makes best sense for the project and company. You see the pattern?

Here’s the kicker… I can’t control my own emotions. These are behavioral patterns that are inscribed into my psyche that exist regardless. I CAN control how I react to them. I recognize that a feeling of emotional distress as a real reaction my psyche has to certain events. It’s my choice on how I react to that emotion. I know from experience that if I attempt to suppress it or ignore it, it will only exacerbate the feeling and lead to a larger problem. My best option is to identify the cause and handle it or accept it.

To finish off… don’t just say this prayer… live it:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

What are the things I cannot change?… Everything and everyone
What can I change?… my reactions
and therein lies the wisdom I seek.

Hope this helps you get started.